Anxiety & Avoidance: How to stop the vicious cycle

Ick, no one wants to feel anxious. The physical sensations can be debilitating. It makes sense why we humans want to do everything in our power to avoid it when it creeps up. But unfortunately, this is the OPPOSITE of what works. Parents, it’s so hard to see your child suffering, whether it’s physically or mentally. So it’s understandable that you want to do everything you can to help. If your child is suffering from anxiety, the best thing you can do is help them NOT to avoid it. Instead get them to “wait it out.”

What does “wait it out” mean?

Sometimes kids collect what we therapists call “safety behaviors.” These are simply behaviors that trick kids into feeling safe and keep them in the avoidance loop of anxiety. They work in the short term, but unfortunately the relief does not last. Safety behaviors might look like wearing a certain shirt or outfit that might feel safe or carrying a special toy around everywhere they go. The trouble arises when these don't work anymore or when kids start to add on new ones and those don’t work either. So if you find your child in one of these predicaments, try to encourage them to WAIT IT OUT.

This simply means do nothing except breathe and wait until you notice that you are not feeling quite as anxious as before. Anxiety cannot last forever and this technique can even make it end faster. You can ask your child to rate their anxiety from 0-10, where 0 is no anxiety to 10 is the worst anxiety they have ever felt. Then just wait while their number goes down. You can ask “What is your number now?” and see how long it takes for it to decrease. Next time this comes up, do it again and see if their number subsides quicker. It will likely take a few times for this to have its full effect. But once they see that anxiety just burns itself out over time WITHOUT you having to actually DO anything about it, it will be a game changer. Parents you can try this yourselves as well. It’s a powerful tool to have in your back pocket.